The Big T Video Blog

Yo The Big T! Whatup my nig?

"If you aint grindin' nigga wat you want?"

Yea yea so I figured I’d shoot you some questions since you do real well with all dat kinky shit. I’m a single homie, but that don’t mean that I don’t get it on with the ladies. You seem like a nigga who dont get laid, fo straight?

Anyway, the otha weekend I met this real fine bitch named Tammy. She got a real big booty and her titties are all up in that face, Ya dig? We hit it off real well, I took her on several dates to McDonalds, Knicks games, KFC. If my baby want food I treat her right. Plus I got some nice welfare checks coming in, some big large fuckers, so unlike other guys she knows I can provide for her. But what she don’t know is that I like my shit. Yea I got gold chains, twenty fo’s, and all that Italian tile n’ shit. Why, just the otha night I went out and bought myself some nice Kashmir sheets, this shit is off the wall! I got all dem pillows, scented candles, the works, the fuckin works my nigga. So after the first night I met her I bring her back to my place. Now I’m a straight talker. I said, “Baby, I’m not gonna kid with ya. I wanna run a train all up in that ass”. And being me, no lady can resist such a proposition. So I rail her out real good. I showed her what a real dick looks like. After about 4 minutes of sucking my dick, i blew the load in her face. The only problem is, that bitch was squirtin up on all my shit. On my kashmir sheets, my gatt, my limited edition air jordans, she even squirt on my chain. Can’t even get them stains out! Fuckin bitch ruined my shit. Now I work all day to get that shit cleaned up. Nigga, I’m pissed!

After that night she’s been calling me non-stop. I was like shut the fuck up ho. She’s a cool ho and all but I don’t think I can be with a woman squirtin on all my shit like that. So my question to you, The Big T Is what causes these ho’s to squirt like that? And more importantly, wtf is that? I can’t afford to have piss in my crib if thats what it is… Do I cut this ho or what? Should i just thro this bitch in my trunk?

So what you say Teh Uncle Big T? Can you hook a brother up with some advice?

Ya Boi,
Notorious Snipa

The Big T Responds:

Yo Watup Snipa! Ok, so The Big T reads your problem and feels your pain. And often time have similar problem with women losing bowel control on face and beard. Usually though, The Big T manage to swallow all fecal matter before getting on prized Hannah Montana bed sheets. But yes, once The Big T remember having same problem and can help. First The Big T must ask, how old this girl? The Big T find that this problem mostly occur with girls very young… There are some ways to deal with problem. First, method involve buying industrial vacuum cleaner. With vacuum switch on, continue fondling and inserting phallus into vaginal. Hold nozzle adjacent to genitals with switched on. This suck up all matter and afterwords can use to make very good soup! Plus, vacuum also be used to please self from time to time, just make sure not to get dick stuck in tube! Also, you can buy special airbed to solve problem. When girl squirt it fun to play game where she fill up the holes in bed with fluids. Putting point values for each hole make it like carnival game! So moral of the story is gentlemen…. buy a god damn airbed!!! AMAZING!!!

P.S Go to WalMart… $12!!!

avec l’amour,
Monsieur Big T Esquire

Dear Mr. Big T,

Ok, so pretty much I’ve been seeing this girl for a week. We really hit it off, we hung out everyday together. I took it really slow, and was respectful. (only kissed). She told me she has a hard time commiting to a relationship, but everything went GREAT. Watched movies each night and cuddled. She would leave caz she would have to work at 530am. She was definitely into me tho. Then, the bitch just up and leaves me saying that she doesn’t want me no more.  Please Mr. Big T.  I just want to know how to fix this.  I’m so lonely.

Sincerely,

Donald

The BIG T Responds:

Dear Donald,

Okay, this is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I’m not talking a little monkey or some dancing chimp bullshit, I mean a fucking orangutan. Don’t ask me how you’re gonna get a fucking orangutan, because that’s not my problem and The Big T not yo bitch.

Clyde. Make sure you get him some bling too yo.

So the orangutan’s name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable; all orangutans are named Clyde. I don’t know why that is, it’s just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You’re seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty, you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. “Did you know the guy with the orangutan?”, “You used to date the guy with the orangutan?”, “Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?”. Next thing you know she’s calling.

“I’m hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?”

“Geez, I dunno; me and Clyde were going to a monster truck race tonight (orangutans love monster trucks). In fact, the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I’ll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in. Oh, well, you know my number so don’t be a str– Hey, look at the time! I gotta jerk it. Plus Clyde’s making Mojitoes.”

At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind, you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide.  Whatever, it’s your life. But if you’re a smart man? You leverage Clyde to blackmail her into doing kinky shit. Plus you’re IM-ing. You’re talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family except that he occasionally joins in on bedroom activities. You’re pretty much just like one big Brady Bunch, except no homo.

Mucho Amor,

- T (out)