The Big T’s Dating Advice
Dear Mr. Big T,
Ok, so pretty much I’ve been seeing this girl for a week. We really hit it off, we hung out everyday together. I took it really slow, and was respectful. (only kissed). She told me she has a hard time commiting to a relationship, but everything went GREAT. Watched movies each night and cuddled. She would leave caz she would have to work at 530am. She was definitely into me tho. Then, the bitch just up and leaves me saying that she doesn’t want me no more. Please Mr. Big T. I just want to know how to fix this. I’m so lonely.
Sincerely,
Donald
The BIG T Responds:
Dear Donald,
Okay, this is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I’m not talking a little monkey or some dancing chimp bullshit, I mean a fucking orangutan. Don’t ask me how you’re gonna get a fucking orangutan, because that’s not my problem and The Big T not yo bitch.
Clyde. Make sure you get him some bling too yo.
So the orangutan’s name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable; all orangutans are named Clyde. I don’t know why that is, it’s just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You’re seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty, you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. “Did you know the guy with the orangutan?”, “You used to date the guy with the orangutan?”, “Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?”. Next thing you know she’s calling.
“I’m hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?”
“Geez, I dunno; me and Clyde were going to a monster truck race tonight (orangutans love monster trucks). In fact, the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I’ll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in. Oh, well, you know my number so don’t be a str– Hey, look at the time! I gotta jerk it. Plus Clyde’s making Mojitoes.”
At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind, you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it’s your life. But if you’re a smart man? You leverage Clyde to blackmail her into doing kinky shit. Plus you’re IM-ing. You’re talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family except that he occasionally joins in on bedroom activities. You’re pretty much just like one big Brady Bunch, except no homo.
Mucho Amor,
- T (out)
Dear The Big T,
I read your dating advice for our good friend Donald and found it intriguing. In fact, I am so intrigued that I am beginning to consider you somewhat of a threat to my franchise (Dr. Phil Enterprises). You see Mr. T, I have galvanized many people to “get real” in life. I am known internationally as the worlds premier dating coach and I can’t afford my image to be outdone or my customers to flock to you. As you may know Mr. Donald was a previous customer of mine. We shared something special. But lately he’s been telling me he’s found someone else. Listen T! Donald is my man and if you know whats good for you, you will stay away! So I am asking you very nicely to cease what you are doing and accept me, Dr. Phil as your lord and savior. Failure to comply will result in a Dr. Phil class action lawsuit. So be warned!
P.S. Did you know that as many as one in four college women are victims of rape or attempted sexual assault? Even more disturbing, 84 college men who committed rape said that what they did would not be defined as rape in their own minds.
And remember The Big T, as I once quoted: “This ain’t my first rodeo son!”
Yours Truly,
Dr. Phil
You might want to consider this tool for when Clyde starts making Mojitos http://i203.photobucket.com/albums/aa261/Eagle_Watcher/masturbaterscondom.jpg
So does da monkey suk mah dick?